Aching

Ink blots are blood spots and

Migraines are waking.

It is three in the morning and

My head is now aching.

Dreams were so blissful,

Full of magic and sword fights.

One jolt to the eye and

It is now one of those nights.

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Endlessly

Is it still white when you think of me or has the color returned? Do you still feel nothing when you think of me or have your feelings for me returned? These are the things I want to ask you, but I don’t want to press too hard. I will wait, endlessly.

Thinking Aloud

I’m starting to forget what you smell like, but I can still hear your voice and it is so comforting. Things are still weird, but I have faith that they will get better with time. I have never felt anything like this before. I have also never met anyone like you before.

Balance in the Unbalanced Mind and Other Ramblings

I need to find a balance between being super productive and on top of everything and literally doing jack shit. Is it possible? It must be. Plenty of people are just in between. Most people even. I keep thinking about what you’re doing, who you’re talking to, etc., etc., but what I really want to know is what you’re thinking. Isn’t that all anyone wants to know of anyone else though – what they’re thinking? I have to believe in what is meant to be, even if I don’t believe that anything is ever meant to be. I have to believe in you. And your words. Your promise that you aren’t going anywhere. I think my current fear is that I could trigger you. I am utterly terrified that you might not feel and/or be safe around me. Because if you can’t feel safe around me, then who can you feel safe around?

Sad, Alone, and Sorry

Although I didn’t know why at the time, I now realize that I pushed you away because I thought that I didn’t deserve love. I now know that I am not only deserving of love, but that I need it in my life. I wish so much to reach out to you, but I will respect your wishes and refrain from doing so. There aren’t enough apologies.

Understanding

I have been trying to learn and understand how poor diet has affected my mood and behavior for so long. There is quite a lot of research out there. All I know is that since cutting out all gluten and dairy, I have seen significant improvements in my mood and overall demeanor. For the first time, in a long time, I am actually starting to come out of this shell that I’ve hid myself away in. I am actually interacting and joking around with my mother which as long as we live together, is very much out of the norm. It feels good to feel good. I am going to chase this feeling.

A Life Reclaimed

Sometimes I feel this pit of nothing right in the center of me. Like how Snickers has a chewy nougat center, but mine is a black hole. Even when I am happy I can feel this way. It’s as if there is something missing in my life that was once there and the imprint of it gnaws at me, but I don’t know what it is or how to fill it. I’m trying to stay in the moment because I find it gets worse when my mind wanders off to future timelines that may or may not be. If I stay in the moment and appreciate what already is, then maybe I can fill that empty, gnawing feeling. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t think anyone ever wants to feel this way, but we do. Maybe being human means to be incomplete and that is why we are always seeking, inventing, and exploring. Or maybe it just means that we need to be around our friends and loved ones more often because the only way to truly fill that void is with love and laughter. All I know is that I do not want to cut my existence short. I want to live this life and experience all that it has to offer. I want to reclaim this life for myself.